(3/6/23)

Almost murdered my roommate last night. When I say almost I mean that the thought was spiraling inside my head but never quite formed into action. Allergies have been really getting me this Spring, so I’ve been taking Benadryl most nights before I go to bed. Luckily, Evan recently broke up with his girlfriend, so he’s been moping around a lot and hasn’t been making that much noise. Last night, I took two Benadryl around midnight and told Evan I was going to bed. He didn’t say anything. A few minutes later he booted up his Xbox and started playing Rocket League. He was wearing a headset, so all I could hear was the clicks of his controller and his exasperated whining. I put in a pair of ear plugs and turned towards the wall. The light from the tv cast a bleary haze across the room. I could still feel the vibration when Evan hit his desk in frustration. The minutes ticked on. I pretended to be dead. A dead person wouldn’t be able to tell Evan to turn the game off. The Benadryl turned the backside of my eyelids into a late night highway. It was all tail- lights and dashboard reflections. I watched red blood vessels ticking down sanity. Evans pounding grew more frequent. He must have really been sucking ass that night. I stopped pretending and stared up at the ceiling. I checked the time. It was three in the morning. The Benadryl was adding darting pulses to my vision. A calm anger washed over my synapses. I could see the back of Evan’s head from across the room. I imagined what it would feel like to kill him. Evan was a couple of inches taller than me, but I had the element of surprise. I could probably get him in the neck with a pencil or a pair of scissors. That would bring him down quickly. Getting into an actual fight wouldn’t do. He was amped up from videogames and I was hallucinating off a low dosage of Benadryl. Stabbing seemed like the easiest method. The plan was there, all I had to do was put it in action, but instead all I said was, “Evan, go the fuck to sleep. It’s 3 a.m.” Evan did go to sleep about 30 minutes later. I can’t keep living like this.

~clancy